Tis the season

Christmas is near!!! Christmas is near!!! Hooray! Its only a couple of days after Thanksgiving and everyone is going crazy over CHRISTMAS. As much as I had not planned on getting caught up in the hype, I couldn't resist the temptation to put on my good shoes to go out and join the masses. Unfortunately for me, I actually had to work on Friday. Who the heck has to work the day after Thanksgiving! It SUCKED! I swear, I was literally the only person that came in to work in my department. Unlike all the other smart cookies of the bunch, I didn't opt to take the day off, so I had to come into the office and put in a few good hours. It was o.k. though. There's something to be said for being able to work in peace. No one knocking on my door. No phone calls. No urgent e-mail correspondence. Just me. Leaving me to be the productive worker bee that I am. ;)

After work, P and I headed out to Crabtree Mall in Raleigh. I guess you can say Crabtree mall is one of the better malls out this way. We lucked out on parking, and was able to snatch up a spot immediately. After squeezing out of the driver's side door (b/c the person next to me didn't freak'n know how to park and was nearly half way in my spot) we made our way into the mall. To my surprise, the mall wasn't as crowded as I had expected. Of course there more people there than on a usual Friday, but it wasn't anything like the craziness I was bracing myself for. People were shopping like crazy! Buy! Buy ! Buy! Folks were buying it up! If it was on sale, people were buying it. No matter how tacky the item was. I witnessed many shoppers wasting their money on pointless gifts for their beloved friends and family. You know, the type of gift that when you receive them you say "Awwwww Thank You" trying to sound all enthusiastic forcing a half smile while in your head you're thinking..."Now what in tha' hell am I gonna do with this?" See....I had to be good this year. I'm not one to buy tacky stuff...ok, maybe sometimes...BUT only because I see its potential..lol HOWEVER I am one to snatch up a good deal. I swear SALE & CLEARANCE items beckon me. I'm weak. I'm soooo weak. But like I said, I had to be good, no more frivolous spending for me. I'm still on a mission to find a cute outfit for our annual holiday party next month. Unfortunately, the mission is still not complete....

So, after spending a couple of hours in the mall, I left with a sweater. It's freak'n BLACK FRIDAY, the busiest shopping day of the year, super deals EVERYWHERE, and all I have to show for it is a lousy sweater. I mean, the sweater is cute, but still it's.....just a sweater.

Anyway, enough about that...on to the real reason why I'm writing this blog entry. So as you can see in the picture above, I bought a X-MAS tree!!!! Hooray!!!! I'm so excited!!! o.k....o.k...I have to admit, it's a fake tree, but it's still a x-mas tree none the less. My family has always had x-mas trees in the house while I was growing up but this is my first time having a tree of my own. And if you couldn't tell...I'm EXCITED. I find myself anticipating night to fall so that I can plug in the lights. I'm like a little anxious kid in a shoe store who can't wait to wear their new kicks. You know...the kid that walks out of the store with the new sneakers on and the old shoes they came in with tucked away in the box. I caught myself plugging in the light in the middle of the afternoon because I couldn't wait. Which was prolly really dumb seeing as how no one could see that my lights were on, and I was just adding to my energy bill. But I couldn't help it.

So now I have my holiday decorations all up. I got my tree set up, lights on my balcony, reef on my front door, and poinsettia on my dining room table. And although I won't be out here to celebrate Christmas, seeing the decorations sure puts me in the good mood. Its interesting to see how a my anticipation about x-mas has changed over the years. In the begining I was all excited about the many gifts I was expecting to receive from Santa. Then as I became a little older, the gifts started to decrease, and I had to come to the terms with the fact that Santa (aka my parents) was no longer as generous as he (aka they) used to be. And now, I've come to expect and want no material items. What I want most now for x-mas is to be in the company of family and friends. I crave the laughter, the joy and the happiness of others because I know that their light, their euphoria, and their positve energy will penetrate through me.

2006 has been an interesting year. Lets see what 2007 has to offer. I am believing for great things, and I trust that if I continue to speak it, it will come to fruition. CHEERS!!!

Tis the season!!!

Distorted perception of beauty

Please view the link provided below.

Once you've watched it, come back and read the blog...thanks.

http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca/film_fullscreen_evo.html

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When I watched the clip, tears began to run down my face (I know...I know I cry a lot). It was both uplifting and disheartening for me at the same time. It was uplifting to know that I don't have to feel the need to live up to some created standard of beauty. It was apparent from this clip that the images we see the magazines, on billboards, and in the media, aren't people in their natural state. But it was difficult for me to watch because as much as I try to deny the fact that I am not influenced but what I see, I realize that these distorted images have really shaped my perception of beauty, and has resulted in me being very unhappy with a lot of my own self image. I often feel like I'm not good enough, not pretty enough, and don’t quite measure up to the women that I see. I find myself standing in the mirror pulling, pinching, and tucking different parts of my body. You know...wishing that I can just make that extra skin under my chin disappear. But I can't. If only I could use that digital imaging on myself...if only.

Though it may not seem this way from the outside especially given the fact that I'm quick to jump in front of a camera's lens, I tend to be a very self conscious person. It always feels like people are looking at me, criticizing me, and pointing out my flaws. If only I could be a little taller, have perkier breasts, smaller lips, nicer texture hair, cute little nose, bigger butt, have a more defined waist I'd be a much happier person.... I think

Why am I so critical of my self? Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate hearing compliments. As with most people, I like to hear when someone likes something about me. "Awwww..thank you," I say. But in my mind, I don't quite see the same thing they see. Is my perception of beauty really that warped? Why can't I look like the girls in the videos and magazines? Not the ones that continue perpetuate the objectification of women with little to no clothes on, ass in the air, feening for the attention of a man...no not those ones.. You know, the ones with the flawless skin, the perfect smile, the long flowing hair, the body to die for. Where do they find these girls anyway? I don't know why it’s so easy for me to see the beauty in others, but so hard for me to acknowledge the beauty within myself. I know that I'm not ugly, but why don't I feel beautiful?

I wonder if other women (and men) feel this way about themselves. Have I allowed the media to manipulate my mind to the extent that I can no longer see clearly? Will my perception of beauty be forever distorted?

If only I could change....

Ahhhh...to be a kid again

Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground
The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties
Mom was your hero & Dad was the boy you were going to marry
Your worst enemies were your siblings
Race issues were who ran the fastest
War was a card game
Wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut
The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike
The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only thing that could get broken were your toys Remember when life was simple & care free
I do
But what I remember the most was wanting to grow up

-unknown

I came across this poem/quote today, and it made me smile. Not because there was something funny said, but because it made me think about how simple life once was. As a kid, we always wanted to be grown, have our independence, make money and not have to answer to anyone. However, as children, we didn't realize how good we had it. Imagine living life with no cares or worries in the world. When your biggest dilemma was worrying if "Jason" was gonna be your friend today (even though you and Jason are cousins). Did ya'll do that? My siblings and I ALWAYS did that...lol. "Rae, if you don’t go to the corner store and get me a pack on Now&Laters I'm not your friend no more (rolling eyes, sucking teeth)" as if we really had a choice. Shoot, we shared the same doggone room anyway. We didn’t have to be friends. We were sisters.

But this is the line that really made me reflect on my life (past and present)….

"The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only thing that could get broken were your toys"

Boy oh boy...things sure have changed. I wish life were still this way. If the only thing that hurt was a mere scrape on my knee...I would be a happy camper. But unfortunately, as I've gotten older, my knees have been scraped, my legs have felt weak, my stomach has been cramped, my breast have felt sore, my body has been tested, my heart has been wounded, my mind has be strained.

What I would give to live the carefree life of a kid again...

Was it simply bad luck or did my race play a factor?

So I went out shopping last night. I’m on a mission to find a cute outfit for the holiday party that my girls and I have every year. Its not too often that I get back to Oakland, and when I do get back I try to spend as much time as I can with my girls. I miss them TERRIBLY…..I digress. Anyway, as I was on my way to the mall I decided to stop by a couple of stores on the way. Ross, TJ Maxx, Target…you know…those types of stores…nothing major, just trying to cease the opportunity to catch a good deal. I don’t have my purse with me b/c I don’t carry a purse to work, and I was coming straight from the office. So I grab my wallet and keys and head on in to the store. Now, I’m walking around TJMaxx looking at the dresses. Didn’t find anything. Then I proceed to the jeans section and realized that the last thing I need is another pair of jeans to add to the 40+ pair that are currently sitting in my closet (I think I might rotate the same 4 pair though). So I head over to the tops aisle and come across a few tops that I’d like to try one. 3 tops to be exact.

So here I am going into the dressing room with my keys, my wallet, and the 3 tops that I plan to try on. The lady in the dressing room checks to see how many items I have, and proceeds to give me the little plastic thingy with “3” marked clear as day. I’m now in the lil 4X4 room trying to squeeze my boobies into these cute little shirts. Two of them fit nice but one was not flattering AT ALL. Had it been on someone with smaller, perkier boobs, it might have worked. But on me….I looked like a slut. So that top was a no go. Anyway, as I’m exiting the dressing room I hand the lady the plastic thingy and the one shirt that didn’t work and proceed to walk to cashier (I still had a mall to get to mind you, so no more browsing for me).

As the gentleman is ringing me up, the lady from the dressing room walks over to the check out area and throws some tags (apparently tags that someone had taken off of some clothes) onto the counter and says “someone stole again”. Everyone around is just looking at her. The way she threw the tags, and the stark tone of her voice made it seem as though someone had stolen from her personally. She was clearly pissed. As she was walking away from the check out area, she stopped dead in her tracks, turn around and looks me dead in the eye and say, “was it you?!?” WTF!!!! Is she f*ck’n serious! I was in shock, I was confused, and just stood there. Apparently she thought I didn’t hear her and wanted to make sure that I knew that she was talking directly to me. Again she repeated “ someone stole again, was it you?!?”. I was dumbfounded. Could this woman really be this outta pocket! So I asked her “are you serious!” She just continued to glare me down. At this point my hands started to shake, my eyes were on the verge of tearing, I was soooo upset. Everyone around stood in awe. The gentleman ringing me up stood there…eyes wide open, mouth dropped. From his facial expression, it was clear that he too could not believe what was happening. Immediately he picked up the phone and THEN asked if I wanted him to call the manager. This was not right! Not right at all! Never in my life had I felt so humiliated.

So of course at this point I felt attacked. It’s one thing to be suspicious of someone stealing, it’s another thing to basically accuse someone of stealing. I immediately went on the defense and began to tell the lady what I had walked in the dressing room with, and what I had walked out with. Where the hell could I have hid some clothes? In my pocket? In my shoes?...cuz I sure didn’t have a purse. Remember, I walked in with a wallet and some keys. What would make this woman think that I stole something from TJMaxx!!! Was I dressed in a way that would make one suspect me to be a criminal? I guess the brown slacks and the cardigan sweater were dead giveaways! Dressed in sheep’s clothing…..I guess.

So by now, the manager had come out from the back and politely asked that I explain what had happened. I began to recap the scene. The cashier even chimed in from time to time in support of my story. It was clear from the manager’s facial expression that she WAS NOT PLEASED…not in the least. She then told me that she was gonna take care of the situation, at which time I proceeded to pay for my items (YES…this did not stop me from buying the cute tops) and exit the store. As I was walking out I could hear the manager over the intercom call someone to take over the dressing room. What happened after that….I will never know.

It wasn’t until I stepped out of the store did I really begin to process what had happened. Let me break it down….

Me= 1 African American Woman
Other customers in the dressing room= 2 Older Caucasian Women (who were together)
1 Young Caucasian Woman (by herself)

Lady working the dressing room= 1 Older Asian Woman
Employee at the cash register= 1 Caucasian Man
Manager- 1 Older African American Woman


Now…..as much as I was trying to avoid pointing the blame on race (I'm definitely not the one to say “this happened or that happened…because I’m black”), but it leaves one wonder why out of all 4 women in the dressing room, “I” was the one singled out. Am I looking too deep into this? Or was it yet another case of “shopping while black.” I’ve done everything in my power to be a law abiding citizen, but still yet I am accused of a crime that I DID NOT commit. What’s a black girl to do? How are people such as myself suppose to be able to function in a society where we are constantly having to worry about people misjudging us, having to constantly be on the defensive and make sure that we avoid ANYTHING that would somehow make us look more suspicious. I mean…our skin color is one automatic strike we have against us. And as evident in this incident…what you wear means SHIT. You can have a nice job, dress to the T, be a kind hearted individual, but yet in still that ever present race still supersedes it all.

But maybe it’s just me, maybe I just had a case of bad luck, maybe race had nothing to do with it.

Or maybe….maybe race had EVERTHING to do with it

Who knows….

I am a complete person

It’s nice to know that she cares…

So I had my standing meeting with my supervisor yesterday, and everything went well. The purpose of this particular meeting was to discuss my career goals, aspirations, personal growth timeline, expectations of my position etc. However, because I was not provided all the information necessary for us to have this discussion, we’ve postponed the meeting to next week. As such, we proceeded with our weekly professional/personal life check in.

The weekly check-in is something that my supervisor has instituted with all of her supervisees. Not only is a great way for us to update one another about what we have on our plate, what assignments have yet to be completed, evaluate where we are on our research study timeline, but has also become a time where I get to sit down and let her know what’s really on my mind, how I’m feeling, what I did over the weekend, what I have planned for the holidays etc. Though this may seem a little strange to have these types of conversations with “a boss,” I realized how much these discussions mean to me. I really appreciate the fact that she is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a whole person. Not just as an employee, not just as a researcher, not just as a coordinator, but a COMPLETE person who has a life outside of her job.

Though there are certain things better left unsaid (especially in a work environment), it surprised me to see how comfortable I felt talking to her about my family, my friends, my culture, my expectations of others and mistakes I’ve made in the past. But what was even more surprising was to hear her share similar personal stories. She doesn’t let her status, her degrees, or her accomplishment create a shield between us really getting to know one another. I really really really appreciate and commend her for the person that she is. And I hope that one day when I am in the position as supervisor, I too will be able to engender a similar relationship with my employees.

This is the 2nd day in the row that I've spent practically the entire day in bed. I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm in some serious lazy mode and can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything. Doesn't help that I have a dog that's just as lazy.


Am I really turning into an old woman where I've become completely content with doing nothing? Maybe I need to find a hobby. OR, maybe I should work on that paper. Well tomorrow's Monday, and I have meeting with my supervisor to discuss my short and long term career goals, expectations etc.This should be interesting, and for some reason, I'm uuuuber nervous. I've always had a hard time talking about myself. I pray that all goes well.

Letting go...

Last night I realized that I had to let go. It’s a very hard thing to do, but I had to do it. There comes a point when you realize that in order to move forward you have to let certain things go no matter how strongly you feel. This is gonna be extremely tough for me, but I know its for the best.

to be continued....

11/12/06 Update- I couldn't do it :(

Does my dancing lead you on?

So I went out last night with a few friends to the usual Friday night spot and had a cool time. The crowd was o.k., the DJ was kinda bunk, but overall I still had a good time. I know it seems like I go out a lot, I’m probably in the scene a little more than I should be, but I really crave music and dancing. Take for example last night…it wasn’t the best party that I’ve gone to, BUT I came with friends, I had a few people to dance with (when the music was decent) and I was in good spirits. I’m not interested in meeting people, don’t care to be holla’d at, don’t want to hold a conversation on the dance floor, all I want to do is dance. However, my desire to satisfy my dance craving has caused others to build preconceived notions about me.

Do not confuse my dancing to mean that I want you. My dancing with you does no imply that I am available. My dancing should not suggest whether or not I’m freak. I’m dancing with you because I love to dance. Nothing more nothing less. But it has been brought to my attention that my dancing may be sending out the wrong message to people. So does this mean that I stop doing one of the things that brings me the most joy? Does this mean that I have to always worry about what other people are thinking? Should I give guys the rundown (I AM NOT SINGLE, I DON’T WANT YOU, I AM NOT necessarily A FREAK) before we approach the dance floor? I don’t really know what to do. Any suggestions? Actually, maybe this’ll force me to be more proactive about joining a dance class. I've been meaning to to this ever since I moved out here. Maybe this way I will channel my club/party dancing into something more socially acceptable for a person in a relationship.

My hair…

I know I’ve talked to some of you before about this, but ever since I’ve started growing locs, it has been an angle many people have taken to initiate conversation. Don’t get me wrong…I love talking about hair, my hair, your hair, her hair, whatever, but when guys ask me about my hair with the sole intension of trying to get my number, it becomes a little annoying. Last night while I was out, this guy started asking me questions about my hair (he too had locs). I thought the casual conversation was going o.k. until….dun dun duuuun…he tried to holla. Why, why do I fall for this trick every time!?! I get all excited, first the compliment "Oh, your hair looks really nice", then the "how long have you been growing your hair?" "can I touch it?" followed by "so ummm...can I get yo' numba?"..NAW! Hell naw! You tricked me! I mean, I know this is only one example. But this situation happens all too often. Is my hair really that different?

Today's a better day...

THANK YOU Sudafed with maximum strength psuedoehpedrine hydrochloride!!!!

Thank you Thank you Thank you
I feel much better now
I wasn't a believer
But now I guess I am
I've always been resistant towards your type
But now I've learned to embrace you

It took me feeling miserable

To allow you to do the work that you do
Though I still hold reservations
About how frequently we interact
I will be forever thankful
For helping me get my swagga' back

Well I'm feeling a whole lot better today than I did yesterday. Not the greatest, but better none the less. After feeling like crap for the past week, I finally took my friends advice and went to see a pharmacist. I told her all my symptoms and she recommended that I try Sudafed. I told her that I'd already been using that, Tylenol, Afrin, sea salt nasal spray, Vicks, drinking tea, water, OJ and popping halls cough drops as if they were sunflower seeds. She laughed, but I was dead serious. I have never taken so many pills in my life, never. As a stated in the last posting...I HATE taking medicine. Anyway, she recommended that I take some over the counter Sudafed with psuedoehpedrine... apparently people swear by it. And at this point, I'm just about willing to try anything. So I buy the medicine, picked up some ol' faithful tussin' and went on my merry way.

So...now I'm at home, and I almost feel like a crack head. I'm pop'n pills left and right. Anything...anything to make me feel better. 4am... I need another fix...more pills...8am water (check), pills (check), head back mouth open...I know this'll make me feel better, at least that's what the pharmacist said. By the time I actually got up out of bed I DID feel a lot better. My throat wasn't so sore, my nose stopped running, and my cough had become a lot more subdue. Hooray, I might be able to go out this weekend! Well...that's dependent on how I feel tomorrow....

I'm fighting a cold and losing the battle

This SUCKS!

I've got so many things to get done in a limited amount of time, and I'm sick as all get out! I can't seem to fight this cold that seems to forever rear its head. I really think I might be anemic or something. Every time I get sick, I get really really sick. And to make matters worse, I can catch colds so very easily from just about anyone at anytime. My immune system is failing me right now. What should I do? I've been drinking OJ, water, taking medicine (Lord knows I HATE taking medicine), I've even succumbed to using that nasty nasal spray that tastes like death as I squeeze the liquid into my nostril and the juices leave a bitter taste in my mouth. (I know that was a gross description) But hey, nothing seems to work.

Is it bad that part of the reason why I want to get better is so that I’ll be able to go out this weekend. Yes, I want to get better, but I don’t really care to spend yet another weekend in bed. There’s a lot going on b/c of UNC’s homecoming, and there are a couple of people I’m looking forward to seeing. So, hopefully I’ll be able to win this battle.

Oh, and I voted yesterday!!!! Hooray! But, it’s always amazing to see how few people around my age are out there voting too. I realize that a lot of older retirees tend to volunteer at the polls, but overall, the age group of voters tend to be a lot older than myself. Which brings me to another point….I don’t know how many of you reading this have a myspace account, but I found it interesting to see how many people posted bulletins and/or blogs about voting. YES, I’m all for educating and motivating other young people to vote. But I wonder how many people who posted those bulletins/ blogs actually voted themselves (or just jumped on the “vote or die” bandwagon and didn’t really do a damn thing…I mean, the truth is, we’ll never really know if they did or not). Better yet, I wonder how many people reading those postings actually took heed to the message and exercised their civic right. Anyways, just a few random thoughts….

Off to fight this battle…

I'm following after you Zaynah...

Well, I guess this'll be my first of many postings. I never really kept a journal as a child or really knew the best way to express how/ what I was thinking. From time to time I'd write letters to my friends, family members, boyfriends or crush... lol to express how I felt, but I've never really kept something continuous for myself. For those of you who know me, like know me know me, know that I think a lot. Or...I look like I always have something on my mind. So, instead of keeping all my random thoughts upstairs, I'll share them here with you. Like they say, better late than never. Please join me as I embark on this here journey we call............... "Iguehi's Destiny".