I love my job. I love what I'm doing. I love the people I'm working with. I've been fortunate to meet some pretty interesting folks. But this week has just been exhausting! So, I'm working on a clinical research study designed to examine the way in which physicians communicate preventive health messages to their patients in annual and chronic care visits, and this is the first week that we have been actually working out in the field. I've had quite a few interesting interactions with both physicians and patients, but I have to admit that having to deal with so many different people with varying personalities has been exhausting. I feel like my mind has been going 100 miles per hour, and by the time I get home I just wanna pass the f*ck out. But b/c I spend so much of my day going in and out of the clinic, I don't get the opportunity to call patients. Which then means that I have to put in a few work hours in the evening. Ahhhhh...I'm sooo tired right now. I just want to stay at home and do absolutely NOTHING for a while.
When I was younger I never understood why my mother would be so tired after she got off of work. I mean...she spent most of her day sitting down, how tiring could that be? But now I understand.....completely
Oh...and on top of the fact that I've been working like a mad woman, I haven't had the opportunity/energy to go grocery shopping or cook (real) meals. As such, my frig is looking quite bare. Which is pretty bad for me seeing as how I keep food in the house as if I have a family of four to feed. Due to the lack of available liquids (ie...bottled water, juice, punch, milk, ice tea...anything) I've been forced to drink smirnoff ice's for the past couple of days to quinch my thirst. Hey...its better than taquilla.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
I'm holding on to Cali
Soooo...
I've been living out here in NC for a little over two years now, and I still have my CA drivers license. I know I was suppose to turn it in to get a NC licence 30 days after moving out here. But that 30 day window has come and gone. Though I know that I need a new license, I can't seem to bring myself to let go of my Cali Ls. I'm probably not going to be moving back to the west coast any time soon, but I don't want to give it up. I mean...what if I do decide to move back. Then I'll have to go through the trouble of getting a new one re-issued. I guess part of the reason why I'm still holding on to this license is because it has the picture that I took on my 16th birthday. YUP....same old ancient picture. And though I look NOTHING like I did 9 years ago.... that was a significant time of my life. I guess I'm still holding on to the memories.
Just as I'm holding on to my CA license, I'm still holding on tight to my Oakland cell phone number. I've lived in Los Angeles, and NC, and never once have I even entertained the thought of changing my cell phone number. Part of the reason is because I've had this same number ever since I've owned a cell phone (over 8 years) and I don't want to go through the hassle of calling people to update them with my new number, but the other part of the reason is because I don't want to let go of my link to Oakland. I feel like giving up my number is like giving up a part of me. I simply can't do it.
Am I really THAT attached? I mean, you would think that over time I would have let some of my ties go, but it seems like the farther I move from Oakland, the more I feel the need to stay connected. I will never stop LUV'n CALI!
I've been living out here in NC for a little over two years now, and I still have my CA drivers license. I know I was suppose to turn it in to get a NC licence 30 days after moving out here. But that 30 day window has come and gone. Though I know that I need a new license, I can't seem to bring myself to let go of my Cali Ls. I'm probably not going to be moving back to the west coast any time soon, but I don't want to give it up. I mean...what if I do decide to move back. Then I'll have to go through the trouble of getting a new one re-issued. I guess part of the reason why I'm still holding on to this license is because it has the picture that I took on my 16th birthday. YUP....same old ancient picture. And though I look NOTHING like I did 9 years ago.... that was a significant time of my life. I guess I'm still holding on to the memories.
Just as I'm holding on to my CA license, I'm still holding on tight to my Oakland cell phone number. I've lived in Los Angeles, and NC, and never once have I even entertained the thought of changing my cell phone number. Part of the reason is because I've had this same number ever since I've owned a cell phone (over 8 years) and I don't want to go through the hassle of calling people to update them with my new number, but the other part of the reason is because I don't want to let go of my link to Oakland. I feel like giving up my number is like giving up a part of me. I simply can't do it.
Am I really THAT attached? I mean, you would think that over time I would have let some of my ties go, but it seems like the farther I move from Oakland, the more I feel the need to stay connected. I will never stop LUV'n CALI!
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Randomness of my day
Random #1: Why must he dig for gold?
As I was driving to work this morning, I turn to look out of my passenger side window so that I could change lanes....only to be distracted by a old man dig'n all up in his nose. Like aaaaaaaallllll up in it. It was so DISGUSTING! The trip thing about it was...the nose picker and I actually made eye contact, and he didn't even have the audacity to stop. I tell you about people these days. They don't give a flying f*ck who sees them. What is it with people in their cars and nose picking. The two seem to go hand in hand. I've witnessed this scene many a times as I'm driving down the street. Do people think that their car shields them from the rest of the world? Yes, you may be in the car by yourself, BUT your car is NOT as "private" as you may think. I mean... COME ON NOW PEOPLE!....the freak'n window is TRANSPARENT!!!
Random #2: Went in for one shot came out with three
As part of employee clearance for my position, my immunizations have to be up do date. So I schedule an appointment to have a TB skin test taken (since I recieved an e-mail notifying me that I needed the test done). They told me to bring in a copy of my immunization records as proof of previous vaccinations. Unfortunate for me, I only had a copy of the records that my father faxed me from Cali in 2004, which meant that I didn't have any proof that I had recently been vaccinated at UNC (which was one of the requirements for Public Health graduate program). Being that I was too lazy to go through the process of getting my records faxed over from UNC to Duke, I opted to go on ahead and get the additional vaccines done since I was already at the hostipal. SO, to make a long story short, instead of just having a TB skin test done, I left having recieved a shot for the TB skin test, a measle, mumps, rubella shot, a tetnus shot, and a really sore left arm.
Random #3: Surpriiiiiise!!!!! We're testing you for drugs!!!!
Yes, you read that right. As I was leaving the nurse's office with my sore arm, she directed me to the waiting area and told me to have a seat and wait for someone to call me in for my drug test............HUH?!? Drug test? What did she mean drug test? I didn't make an appointment for that. I made an appointent to get a TB skin test, not a drug test. It was bad enough...I had just walked out of the office with a murdered arm. So I sat in the waiting area trying to play it cool. I mean...I had nothin to worry about (nervously biting finger nails). After about 20 minutes, I get called in to the office. I quickly take the alcohol test which merely involved placing a plastic strip in my mouth and covering it with saliva. Then, the nurse began explaining the drug screening process. Ok, so at this point I start feeling moisture under my arms. Why am I so nervous? Like I said, I had nothin to worry about. Maybe the fact that this was a COMPLETE SURPRISE had something to do with it. The nurse handed me the "pee cup" and instructs me on how to fill it up. Problem was.....I didn't have to pee. Like most people, I used the restroom when I first woke up, and seeing as how this was only 8:30 in the morning, I had no more liquid to drain. So...I run over to the water fountain and begin downing water. 4 cups of H2O to be exact. I kept drinking until I felt an urge, at which time I filled the "pee cup", waited for my instant result, and walked out of the nurses office with my negative results in hand. Needless to say, I've been peeing all day.
Random # 4: Why does this always happen to ME?!?
I went to Target to buy laundry detergent and stopped over in the produce section. Some of you may know my story ofthe Cereal display in the Food Lion grocery store that came tumbling down when I tried to turn the corner with my cart. And though today's situation wasn't as dramatic, it seemed like everything I touched seemed to trigger neigboring objects to come tumbling down. What fell this time? Ohhhh....the tangerines, the bell peppers, the jalepeno papers, a couple pairs of shoes, and some doggie sweaters. Sigh...this always happens to me.
Random #5: Its feezing out here...
So why the hell do you have on shorts and have the nerve to wear a jacket?....like having that extra layer up top is gonna keep you warm now. Today I had on a knit top, slacks, closed toe shoes, and a long heavy wool coat in a effort to combat the chilly weather. It was so cold that i couldn't bare to have my hands outside of my pocket outta fear that they might fall off. So I'm talking to someone on the phone, complaining about the temperature, and here comes this dude in his shorts and jacket. I didnt even have any words. I just shook my head and kept on with my conversation. I'm sure the guy's mother wouldn't be to happy with him right now.
As I was driving to work this morning, I turn to look out of my passenger side window so that I could change lanes....only to be distracted by a old man dig'n all up in his nose. Like aaaaaaaallllll up in it. It was so DISGUSTING! The trip thing about it was...the nose picker and I actually made eye contact, and he didn't even have the audacity to stop. I tell you about people these days. They don't give a flying f*ck who sees them. What is it with people in their cars and nose picking. The two seem to go hand in hand. I've witnessed this scene many a times as I'm driving down the street. Do people think that their car shields them from the rest of the world? Yes, you may be in the car by yourself, BUT your car is NOT as "private" as you may think. I mean... COME ON NOW PEOPLE!....the freak'n window is TRANSPARENT!!!
Random #2: Went in for one shot came out with three
As part of employee clearance for my position, my immunizations have to be up do date. So I schedule an appointment to have a TB skin test taken (since I recieved an e-mail notifying me that I needed the test done). They told me to bring in a copy of my immunization records as proof of previous vaccinations. Unfortunate for me, I only had a copy of the records that my father faxed me from Cali in 2004, which meant that I didn't have any proof that I had recently been vaccinated at UNC (which was one of the requirements for Public Health graduate program). Being that I was too lazy to go through the process of getting my records faxed over from UNC to Duke, I opted to go on ahead and get the additional vaccines done since I was already at the hostipal. SO, to make a long story short, instead of just having a TB skin test done, I left having recieved a shot for the TB skin test, a measle, mumps, rubella shot, a tetnus shot, and a really sore left arm.
Random #3: Surpriiiiiise!!!!! We're testing you for drugs!!!!
Yes, you read that right. As I was leaving the nurse's office with my sore arm, she directed me to the waiting area and told me to have a seat and wait for someone to call me in for my drug test............HUH?!? Drug test? What did she mean drug test? I didn't make an appointment for that. I made an appointent to get a TB skin test, not a drug test. It was bad enough...I had just walked out of the office with a murdered arm. So I sat in the waiting area trying to play it cool. I mean...I had nothin to worry about (nervously biting finger nails). After about 20 minutes, I get called in to the office. I quickly take the alcohol test which merely involved placing a plastic strip in my mouth and covering it with saliva. Then, the nurse began explaining the drug screening process. Ok, so at this point I start feeling moisture under my arms. Why am I so nervous? Like I said, I had nothin to worry about. Maybe the fact that this was a COMPLETE SURPRISE had something to do with it. The nurse handed me the "pee cup" and instructs me on how to fill it up. Problem was.....I didn't have to pee. Like most people, I used the restroom when I first woke up, and seeing as how this was only 8:30 in the morning, I had no more liquid to drain. So...I run over to the water fountain and begin downing water. 4 cups of H2O to be exact. I kept drinking until I felt an urge, at which time I filled the "pee cup", waited for my instant result, and walked out of the nurses office with my negative results in hand. Needless to say, I've been peeing all day.
Random # 4: Why does this always happen to ME?!?
I went to Target to buy laundry detergent and stopped over in the produce section. Some of you may know my story ofthe Cereal display in the Food Lion grocery store that came tumbling down when I tried to turn the corner with my cart. And though today's situation wasn't as dramatic, it seemed like everything I touched seemed to trigger neigboring objects to come tumbling down. What fell this time? Ohhhh....the tangerines, the bell peppers, the jalepeno papers, a couple pairs of shoes, and some doggie sweaters. Sigh...this always happens to me.
Random #5: Its feezing out here...
So why the hell do you have on shorts and have the nerve to wear a jacket?....like having that extra layer up top is gonna keep you warm now. Today I had on a knit top, slacks, closed toe shoes, and a long heavy wool coat in a effort to combat the chilly weather. It was so cold that i couldn't bare to have my hands outside of my pocket outta fear that they might fall off. So I'm talking to someone on the phone, complaining about the temperature, and here comes this dude in his shorts and jacket. I didnt even have any words. I just shook my head and kept on with my conversation. I'm sure the guy's mother wouldn't be to happy with him right now.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Funny how things change over time
It was long overdue. I had some time on my hands, so I did what I do best and I spent a good deal of time reflecting. I thought back on how my life had been when I first moved out here to NC....
When I first moved out here for gradschool I knew no one. Not one single person. I had no friends, no family, no nothin. It was just me.... surrounded by trees....HELLLLLLA trees. I was anxious to start a new chapter of my life. I'd be learning new things, meeting new poeple, sharing new experiences, and becoming a more independent person....or so I thought. However, when I finally made the move 3,000 miles away from the only people that I love and trusted, the only people that knew and accepted me, I realized that the transition wasn't going to be as easy as I had once anticipated.
School started off a bit rocky. It wasn't that the classes were too difficut for me (don't get me wrong, the program was intense and challenging as all get out), but I had a hard time making the adjustment into gradschool because I was so unhappy with my life here. I spent many days crying on the phone, wondering what the hell I was thinking when I decided to move out here. Out of all the schools I had been accepted to, why did I choose to come to North Carolina. I felt very alone and vulnerable. I'm a grown ass woman, why am I crying to much? People make moves all the time....right? "Alright, lemme try to make the best of it, it's only two years....two years, I'm sure it'll go by sooner than I expect" is what I tried to tell myself. So I met some people in my program who I'd hang out with from time to time. We'd do the whole bar thing, hang out at someone's house party, do random lil things in what Chapel Hill had to offer, but I never really thought of them as my real friends. I wanted to be with MY friends. My friends that knew and accepted the real me, the happy, the silly, the clueless me. I felt so alone out here. At times I'd even sit and think about who would actually call or come to check up on me in the event that something should happen to me out here. Like I said, I talked to my folks back at home all the time, but what could they really do from way across the country? Who would know if I was in trouble, lost, or needed help? It was just me all by myself.
That was a little over 2 years ago. The tears no longer flow uncontrollably. I no longer feel alone. And though it took me a while to reach this point, I can honestly say that I am happy where I am. I've come to realize that there are people who care about me out here in NC. Like truely care about me and my well being. This is not something I would have said a year and a half ago...or shall I say, would have actually believed. I mean, I've known that there were people that I could call on when I needed a random favor here and there, but I never really felt like I had people out here looking out for me.
But this weekend, I realized that situations had changed.
As of late I've been keeping pretty much to myself. Except for the daily conversations with my boyfriend, girlfriends from Cali, and close friend out here, I haven't really been in communication with many folks. Actually, I've been kinda ghost. Sometimes I get into these weird moods where I'd rather be by myself. I'd rather stay indoors. I'd rather listen to music and let and let my mind wander off into space. Sometimes I just need time for ME. Well... given the fact that I've been in a pretty reclusive mood and haven't been my usual "social" self, a few people that I'm pretty close to out here have taken notice, and have reached out to me via phone calls, texts, e-mail etc. And though I had no intensions of worrying them (especially given the fact that nothing is going on), it was comforting to know that I have people out here who care, and are concerned enough to check up on me when they notice that something doesn't seem right.
It's funny how things change over time. But today I can say that I am thankful to have such wonderful, caring people in my life.......on both coasts.
When I first moved out here for gradschool I knew no one. Not one single person. I had no friends, no family, no nothin. It was just me.... surrounded by trees....HELLLLLLA trees. I was anxious to start a new chapter of my life. I'd be learning new things, meeting new poeple, sharing new experiences, and becoming a more independent person....or so I thought. However, when I finally made the move 3,000 miles away from the only people that I love and trusted, the only people that knew and accepted me, I realized that the transition wasn't going to be as easy as I had once anticipated.
School started off a bit rocky. It wasn't that the classes were too difficut for me (don't get me wrong, the program was intense and challenging as all get out), but I had a hard time making the adjustment into gradschool because I was so unhappy with my life here. I spent many days crying on the phone, wondering what the hell I was thinking when I decided to move out here. Out of all the schools I had been accepted to, why did I choose to come to North Carolina. I felt very alone and vulnerable. I'm a grown ass woman, why am I crying to much? People make moves all the time....right? "Alright, lemme try to make the best of it, it's only two years....two years, I'm sure it'll go by sooner than I expect" is what I tried to tell myself. So I met some people in my program who I'd hang out with from time to time. We'd do the whole bar thing, hang out at someone's house party, do random lil things in what Chapel Hill had to offer, but I never really thought of them as my real friends. I wanted to be with MY friends. My friends that knew and accepted the real me, the happy, the silly, the clueless me. I felt so alone out here. At times I'd even sit and think about who would actually call or come to check up on me in the event that something should happen to me out here. Like I said, I talked to my folks back at home all the time, but what could they really do from way across the country? Who would know if I was in trouble, lost, or needed help? It was just me all by myself.
That was a little over 2 years ago. The tears no longer flow uncontrollably. I no longer feel alone. And though it took me a while to reach this point, I can honestly say that I am happy where I am. I've come to realize that there are people who care about me out here in NC. Like truely care about me and my well being. This is not something I would have said a year and a half ago...or shall I say, would have actually believed. I mean, I've known that there were people that I could call on when I needed a random favor here and there, but I never really felt like I had people out here looking out for me.
But this weekend, I realized that situations had changed.
As of late I've been keeping pretty much to myself. Except for the daily conversations with my boyfriend, girlfriends from Cali, and close friend out here, I haven't really been in communication with many folks. Actually, I've been kinda ghost. Sometimes I get into these weird moods where I'd rather be by myself. I'd rather stay indoors. I'd rather listen to music and let and let my mind wander off into space. Sometimes I just need time for ME. Well... given the fact that I've been in a pretty reclusive mood and haven't been my usual "social" self, a few people that I'm pretty close to out here have taken notice, and have reached out to me via phone calls, texts, e-mail etc. And though I had no intensions of worrying them (especially given the fact that nothing is going on), it was comforting to know that I have people out here who care, and are concerned enough to check up on me when they notice that something doesn't seem right.
It's funny how things change over time. But today I can say that I am thankful to have such wonderful, caring people in my life.......on both coasts.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Tis the season
Christmas is near!!! Christmas is near!!! Hooray! Its only a couple of days after Thanksgiving and everyone is going crazy over CHRISTMAS. As much as I had not planned on getting caught up in the hype, I couldn't resist the temptation to put on my good shoes to go out and join the masses. Unfortunately for me, I actually had to work on Friday. Who the heck has to work the day after Thanksgiving! It SUCKED! I swear, I was literally the only person that came in to work in my department. Unlike all the other smart cookies of the bunch, I didn't opt to take the day off, so I had to come into the office and put in a few good hours. It was o.k. though. There's something to be said for being able to work in peace. No one knocking on my door. No phone calls. No urgent e-mail correspondence. Just me. Leaving me to be the productive worker bee that I am. ;)After work, P and I headed out to Crabtree Mall in Raleigh. I guess you can say Crabtree mall is one of the better malls out this way. We lucked out on parking, and was able to snatch up a spot immediately. After squeezing out of the driver's side door (b/c the person next to me didn't freak'n know how to park and was nearly half way in my spot) we made our way into the mall. To my surprise, the mall wasn't as crowded as I had expected. Of course there more people there than on a usual Friday, but it wasn't anything like the craziness I was bracing myself for. People were shopping like crazy! Buy! Buy ! Buy! Folks were buying it up! If it was on sale, people were buying it. No matter how tacky the item was. I witnessed many shoppers wasting their money on pointless gifts for their beloved friends and family. You know, the type of gift that when you receive them you say "Awwwww Thank You" trying to sound all enthusiastic forcing a half smile while in your head you're thinking..."Now what in tha' hell am I gonna do with this?" See....I had to be good this year. I'm not one to buy tacky stuff...ok, maybe sometimes...BUT only because I see its potential..lol HOWEVER I am one to snatch up a good deal. I swear SALE & CLEARANCE items beckon me. I'm weak. I'm soooo weak. But like I said, I had to be good, no more frivolous spending for me. I'm still on a mission to find a cute outfit for our annual holiday party next month. Unfortunately, the mission is still not complete....
So, after spending a couple of hours in the mall, I left with a sweater. It's freak'n BLACK FRIDAY, the busiest shopping day of the year, super deals EVERYWHERE, and all I have to show for it is a lousy sweater. I mean, the sweater is cute, but still it's.....just a sweater.
Anyway, enough about that...on to the real reason why I'm writing this blog entry. So as you can see in the picture above, I bought a X-MAS tree!!!! Hooray!!!! I'm so excited!!! o.k....o.k...I have to admit, it's a fake tree, but it's still a x-mas tree none the less. My family has always had x-mas trees in the house while I was growing up but this is my first time having a tree of my own. And if you couldn't tell...I'm EXCITED. I find myself anticipating night to fall so that I can plug in the lights. I'm like a little anxious kid in a shoe store who can't wait to wear their new kicks. You know...the kid that walks out of the store with the new sneakers on and the old shoes they came in with tucked away in the box. I caught myself plugging in the light in the middle of the afternoon because I couldn't wait. Which was prolly really dumb seeing as how no one could see that my lights were on, and I was just adding to my energy bill. But I couldn't help it.
So now I have my holiday decorations all up. I got my tree set up, lights on my balcony, reef on my front door, and poinsettia on my dining room table. And although I won't be out here to celebrate Christmas, seeing the decorations sure puts me in the good mood. Its interesting to see how a my anticipation about x-mas has changed over the years. In the begining I was all excited about the many gifts I was expecting to receive from Santa. Then as I became a little older, the gifts started to decrease, and I had to come to the terms with the fact that Santa (aka my parents) was no longer as generous as he (aka they) used to be. And now, I've come to expect and want no material items. What I want most now for x-mas is to be in the company of family and friends. I crave the laughter, the joy and the happiness of others because I know that their light, their euphoria, and their positve energy will penetrate through me.
2006 has been an interesting year. Lets see what 2007 has to offer. I am believing for great things, and I trust that if I continue to speak it, it will come to fruition. CHEERS!!!
Tis the season!!!
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Distorted perception of beauty
Please view the link provided below.
Once you've watched it, come back and read the blog...thanks.
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.ca/film_fullscreen_evo.html
********************************************************************************
Though it may not seem this way from the outside especially given the fact that I'm quick to jump in front of a camera's lens, I tend to be a very self conscious person. It always feels like people are looking at me, criticizing me, and pointing out my flaws. If only I could be a little taller, have perkier breasts, smaller lips, nicer texture hair, cute little nose, bigger butt, have a more defined waist I'd be a much happier person.... I think
Why am I so critical of my self? Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate hearing compliments. As with most people, I like to hear when someone likes something about me. "Awwww..thank you," I say. But in my mind, I don't quite see the same thing they see. Is my perception of beauty really that warped? Why can't I look like the girls in the videos and magazines? Not the ones that continue perpetuate the objectification of women with little to no clothes on, ass in the air, feening for the attention of a man...no not those ones.. You know, the ones with the flawless skin, the perfect smile, the long flowing hair, the body to die for. Where do they find these girls anyway? I don't know why it’s so easy for me to see the beauty in others, but so hard for me to acknowledge the beauty within myself. I know that I'm not ugly, but why don't I feel beautiful?
I wonder if other women (and men) feel this way about themselves. Have I allowed the media to manipulate my mind to the extent that I can no longer see clearly? Will my perception of beauty be forever distorted?
If only I could change....
Monday, November 20, 2006
Ahhhh...to be a kid again
Remember when getting high meant swinging at the playground
The worst thing you could get from boys was cooties
Mom was your hero & Dad was the boy you were going to marry
Your worst enemies were your siblings
Race issues were who ran the fastest
War was a card game
Wearing skirts didn't mean you were a slut
The only thing you smoked was the tires on your bike
The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only thing that could get broken were your toys Remember when life was simple & care free
I do
But what I remember the most was wanting to grow up
-unknown
I came across this poem/quote today, and it made me smile. Not because there was something funny said, but because it made me think about how simple life once was. As a kid, we always wanted to be grown, have our independence, make money and not have to answer to anyone. However, as children, we didn't realize how good we had it. Imagine living life with no cares or worries in the world. When your biggest dilemma was worrying if "Jason" was gonna be your friend today (even though you and Jason are cousins). Did ya'll do that? My siblings and I ALWAYS did that...lol. "Rae, if you don’t go to the corner store and get me a pack on Now&Laters I'm not your friend no more (rolling eyes, sucking teeth)" as if we really had a choice. Shoot, we shared the same doggone room anyway. We didn’t have to be friends. We were sisters.
But this is the line that really made me reflect on my life (past and present)….
"The only thing that hurt was skinned knees & the only thing that could get broken were your toys"
Boy oh boy...things sure have changed. I wish life were still this way. If the only thing that hurt was a mere scrape on my knee...I would be a happy camper. But unfortunately, as I've gotten older, my knees have been scraped, my legs have felt weak, my stomach has been cramped, my breast have felt sore, my body has been tested, my heart has been wounded, my mind has be strained.
What I would give to live the carefree life of a kid again...
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Was it simply bad luck or did my race play a factor?
So I went out shopping last night. I’m on a mission to find a cute outfit for the holiday party that my girls and I have every year. Its not too often that I get back to Oakland, and when I do get back I try to spend as much time as I can with my girls. I miss them TERRIBLY…..I digress. Anyway, as I was on my way to the mall I decided to stop by a couple of stores on the way. Ross, TJ Maxx, Target…you know…those types of stores…nothing major, just trying to cease the opportunity to catch a good deal. I don’t have my purse with me b/c I don’t carry a purse to work, and I was coming straight from the office. So I grab my wallet and keys and head on in to the store. Now, I’m walking around TJMaxx looking at the dresses. Didn’t find anything. Then I proceed to the jeans section and realized that the last thing I need is another pair of jeans to add to the 40+ pair that are currently sitting in my closet (I think I might rotate the same 4 pair though). So I head over to the tops aisle and come across a few tops that I’d like to try one. 3 tops to be exact.
So here I am going into the dressing room with my keys, my wallet, and the 3 tops that I plan to try on. The lady in the dressing room checks to see how many items I have, and proceeds to give me the little plastic thingy with “3” marked clear as day. I’m now in the lil 4X4 room trying to squeeze my boobies into these cute little shirts. Two of them fit nice but one was not flattering AT ALL. Had it been on someone with smaller, perkier boobs, it might have worked. But on me….I looked like a slut. So that top was a no go. Anyway, as I’m exiting the dressing room I hand the lady the plastic thingy and the one shirt that didn’t work and proceed to walk to cashier (I still had a mall to get to mind you, so no more browsing for me).
As the gentleman is ringing me up, the lady from the dressing room walks over to the check out area and throws some tags (apparently tags that someone had taken off of some clothes) onto the counter and says “someone stole again”. Everyone around is just looking at her. The way she threw the tags, and the stark tone of her voice made it seem as though someone had stolen from her personally. She was clearly pissed. As she was walking away from the check out area, she stopped dead in her tracks, turn around and looks me dead in the eye and say, “was it you?!?” WTF!!!! Is she f*ck’n serious! I was in shock, I was confused, and just stood there. Apparently she thought I didn’t hear her and wanted to make sure that I knew that she was talking directly to me. Again she repeated “ someone stole again, was it you?!?”. I was dumbfounded. Could this woman really be this outta pocket! So I asked her “are you serious!” She just continued to glare me down. At this point my hands started to shake, my eyes were on the verge of tearing, I was soooo upset. Everyone around stood in awe. The gentleman ringing me up stood there…eyes wide open, mouth dropped. From his facial expression, it was clear that he too could not believe what was happening. Immediately he picked up the phone and THEN asked if I wanted him to call the manager. This was not right! Not right at all! Never in my life had I felt so humiliated.
So of course at this point I felt attacked. It’s one thing to be suspicious of someone stealing, it’s another thing to basically accuse someone of stealing. I immediately went on the defense and began to tell the lady what I had walked in the dressing room with, and what I had walked out with. Where the hell could I have hid some clothes? In my pocket? In my shoes?...cuz I sure didn’t have a purse. Remember, I walked in with a wallet and some keys. What would make this woman think that I stole something from TJMaxx!!! Was I dressed in a way that would make one suspect me to be a criminal? I guess the brown slacks and the cardigan sweater were dead giveaways! Dressed in sheep’s clothing…..I guess.
So by now, the manager had come out from the back and politely asked that I explain what had happened. I began to recap the scene. The cashier even chimed in from time to time in support of my story. It was clear from the manager’s facial expression that she WAS NOT PLEASED…not in the least. She then told me that she was gonna take care of the situation, at which time I proceeded to pay for my items (YES…this did not stop me from buying the cute tops) and exit the store. As I was walking out I could hear the manager over the intercom call someone to take over the dressing room. What happened after that….I will never know.
It wasn’t until I stepped out of the store did I really begin to process what had happened. Let me break it down….
Me= 1 African American Woman
Other customers in the dressing room= 2 Older Caucasian Women (who were together)
1 Young Caucasian Woman (by herself)
Lady working the dressing room= 1 Older Asian Woman
Employee at the cash register= 1 Caucasian Man
Manager- 1 Older African American Woman
Now…..as much as I was trying to avoid pointing the blame on race (I'm definitely not the one to say “this happened or that happened…because I’m black”), but it leaves one wonder why out of all 4 women in the dressing room, “I” was the one singled out. Am I looking too deep into this? Or was it yet another case of “shopping while black.” I’ve done everything in my power to be a law abiding citizen, but still yet I am accused of a crime that I DID NOT commit. What’s a black girl to do? How are people such as myself suppose to be able to function in a society where we are constantly having to worry about people misjudging us, having to constantly be on the defensive and make sure that we avoid ANYTHING that would somehow make us look more suspicious. I mean…our skin color is one automatic strike we have against us. And as evident in this incident…what you wear means SHIT. You can have a nice job, dress to the T, be a kind hearted individual, but yet in still that ever present race still supersedes it all.
But maybe it’s just me, maybe I just had a case of bad luck, maybe race had nothing to do with it.
Or maybe….maybe race had EVERTHING to do with it
Who knows….
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
I am a complete person
It’s nice to know that she cares…
So I had my standing meeting with my supervisor yesterday, and everything went well. The purpose of this particular meeting was to discuss my career goals, aspirations, personal growth timeline, expectations of my position etc. However, because I was not provided all the information necessary for us to have this discussion, we’ve postponed the meeting to next week. As such, we proceeded with our weekly professional/personal life check in.
The weekly check-in is something that my supervisor has instituted with all of her supervisees. Not only is a great way for us to update one another about what we have on our plate, what assignments have yet to be completed, evaluate where we are on our research study timeline, but has also become a time where I get to sit down and let her know what’s really on my mind, how I’m feeling, what I did over the weekend, what I have planned for the holidays etc. Though this may seem a little strange to have these types of conversations with “a boss,” I realized how much these discussions mean to me. I really appreciate the fact that she is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a whole person. Not just as an employee, not just as a researcher, not just as a coordinator, but a COMPLETE person who has a life outside of her job.
Though there are certain things better left unsaid (especially in a work environment), it surprised me to see how comfortable I felt talking to her about my family, my friends, my culture, my expectations of others and mistakes I’ve made in the past. But what was even more surprising was to hear her share similar personal stories. She doesn’t let her status, her degrees, or her accomplishment create a shield between us really getting to know one another. I really really really appreciate and commend her for the person that she is. And I hope that one day when I am in the position as supervisor, I too will be able to engender a similar relationship with my employees.
So I had my standing meeting with my supervisor yesterday, and everything went well. The purpose of this particular meeting was to discuss my career goals, aspirations, personal growth timeline, expectations of my position etc. However, because I was not provided all the information necessary for us to have this discussion, we’ve postponed the meeting to next week. As such, we proceeded with our weekly professional/personal life check in.
The weekly check-in is something that my supervisor has instituted with all of her supervisees. Not only is a great way for us to update one another about what we have on our plate, what assignments have yet to be completed, evaluate where we are on our research study timeline, but has also become a time where I get to sit down and let her know what’s really on my mind, how I’m feeling, what I did over the weekend, what I have planned for the holidays etc. Though this may seem a little strange to have these types of conversations with “a boss,” I realized how much these discussions mean to me. I really appreciate the fact that she is genuinely interested in getting to know me as a whole person. Not just as an employee, not just as a researcher, not just as a coordinator, but a COMPLETE person who has a life outside of her job.
Though there are certain things better left unsaid (especially in a work environment), it surprised me to see how comfortable I felt talking to her about my family, my friends, my culture, my expectations of others and mistakes I’ve made in the past. But what was even more surprising was to hear her share similar personal stories. She doesn’t let her status, her degrees, or her accomplishment create a shield between us really getting to know one another. I really really really appreciate and commend her for the person that she is. And I hope that one day when I am in the position as supervisor, I too will be able to engender a similar relationship with my employees.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
This is the 2nd day in the row that I've spent practically the entire day in bed. I don't know what's going on with me, but I'm in some serious lazy mode and can't seem to motivate myself to do much of anything. Doesn't help that I have a dog that's just as lazy.
Am I really turning into an old woman where I've become completely content with doing nothing? Maybe I need to find a hobby. OR, maybe I should work on that paper. Well tomorrow's Monday, and I have meeting with my supervisor to discuss my short and long term career goals, expectations etc.This should be interesting, and for some reason, I'm uuuuber nervous. I've always had a hard time talking about myself. I pray that all goes well.
Am I really turning into an old woman where I've become completely content with doing nothing? Maybe I need to find a hobby. OR, maybe I should work on that paper. Well tomorrow's Monday, and I have meeting with my supervisor to discuss my short and long term career goals, expectations etc.This should be interesting, and for some reason, I'm uuuuber nervous. I've always had a hard time talking about myself. I pray that all goes well.
Saturday, November 11, 2006
Letting go...
Last night I realized that I had to let go. It’s a very hard thing to do, but I had to do it. There comes a point when you realize that in order to move forward you have to let certain things go no matter how strongly you feel. This is gonna be extremely tough for me, but I know its for the best.
to be continued....
11/12/06 Update- I couldn't do it :(
to be continued....
11/12/06 Update- I couldn't do it :(
Does my dancing lead you on?
So I went out last night with a few friends to the usual Friday night spot and had a cool time. The crowd was o.k., the DJ was kinda bunk, but overall I still had a good time. I know it seems like I go out a lot, I’m probably in the scene a little more than I should be, but I really crave music and dancing. Take for example last night…it wasn’t the best party that I’ve gone to, BUT I came with friends, I had a few people to dance with (when the music was decent) and I was in good spirits. I’m not interested in meeting people, don’t care to be holla’d at, don’t want to hold a conversation on the dance floor, all I want to do is dance. However, my desire to satisfy my dance craving has caused others to build preconceived notions about me.
Do not confuse my dancing to mean that I want you. My dancing with you does no imply that I am available. My dancing should not suggest whether or not I’m freak. I’m dancing with you because I love to dance. Nothing more nothing less. But it has been brought to my attention that my dancing may be sending out the wrong message to people. So does this mean that I stop doing one of the things that brings me the most joy? Does this mean that I have to always worry about what other people are thinking? Should I give guys the rundown (I AM NOT SINGLE, I DON’T WANT YOU, I AM NOT necessarily A FREAK) before we approach the dance floor? I don’t really know what to do. Any suggestions? Actually, maybe this’ll force me to be more proactive about joining a dance class. I've been meaning to to this ever since I moved out here. Maybe this way I will channel my club/party dancing into something more socially acceptable for a person in a relationship.
My hair…
I know I’ve talked to some of you before about this, but ever since I’ve started growing locs, it has been an angle many people have taken to initiate conversation. Don’t get me wrong…I love talking about hair, my hair, your hair, her hair, whatever, but when guys ask me about my hair with the sole intension of trying to get my number, it becomes a little annoying. Last night while I was out, this guy started asking me questions about my hair (he too had locs). I thought the casual conversation was going o.k. until….dun dun duuuun…he tried to holla. Why, why do I fall for this trick every time!?! I get all excited, first the compliment "Oh, your hair looks really nice", then the "how long have you been growing your hair?" "can I touch it?" followed by "so ummm...can I get yo' numba?"..NAW! Hell naw! You tricked me! I mean, I know this is only one example. But this situation happens all too often. Is my hair really that different?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Today's a better day...
THANK YOU Sudafed with maximum strength psuedoehpedrine hydroc
hloride!!!!
Well I'm feeling a whole lot better today than I did yesterday. Not the greatest, but better none the less. After feeling like crap for the past week, I finally took my friends advice and went to see a pharmacist. I told her all my symptoms and she recommended that I try Sudafed. I told her that I'd already been using that, Tylenol, Afrin, sea salt nasal spray, Vicks, drinking tea, water, OJ and popping halls cough drops as if they were sunflower seeds. She laughed, but I was dead serious. I have never taken so many pills in my life, never. As a stated in the last posting...I HATE taking medicine. Anyway, she recommended that I take some over the counter Sudafed with psuedoehpedrine... apparently people swear by it. And at this point, I'm just about willing to try anything. So I buy the medicine, picked up some ol' faithful tussin' and went on my merry way.
So...now I'm at home, and I almost feel like a crack head. I'm pop'n pills left and right. Anything...anything to make me feel better. 4am... I need another fix...more pills...8am water (check), pills (check), head back mouth open...I know this'll make me feel better, at least that's what the pharmacist said. By the time I actually got up out of bed I DID feel a lot better. My throat wasn't so sore, my nose stopped running, and my cough had become a lot more subdue. Hooray, I might be able to go out this weekend! Well...that's dependent on how I feel tomorrow....
hloride!!!!Thank you Thank you Thank you
I feel much better now
I wasn't a believer
But now I guess I am
I've always been resistant towards your type
But now I've learned to embrace you
Though I still hold reservations
About how frequently we interact
I will be forever thankful
For helping me get my swagga' back
I feel much better now
I wasn't a believer
But now I guess I am
I've always been resistant towards your type
But now I've learned to embrace you
It took me feeling miserable
To allow you to do the work that you do Though I still hold reservations
About how frequently we interact
I will be forever thankful
For helping me get my swagga' back
Well I'm feeling a whole lot better today than I did yesterday. Not the greatest, but better none the less. After feeling like crap for the past week, I finally took my friends advice and went to see a pharmacist. I told her all my symptoms and she recommended that I try Sudafed. I told her that I'd already been using that, Tylenol, Afrin, sea salt nasal spray, Vicks, drinking tea, water, OJ and popping halls cough drops as if they were sunflower seeds. She laughed, but I was dead serious. I have never taken so many pills in my life, never. As a stated in the last posting...I HATE taking medicine. Anyway, she recommended that I take some over the counter Sudafed with psuedoehpedrine... apparently people swear by it. And at this point, I'm just about willing to try anything. So I buy the medicine, picked up some ol' faithful tussin' and went on my merry way.
So...now I'm at home, and I almost feel like a crack head. I'm pop'n pills left and right. Anything...anything to make me feel better. 4am... I need another fix...more pills...8am water (check), pills (check), head back mouth open...I know this'll make me feel better, at least that's what the pharmacist said. By the time I actually got up out of bed I DID feel a lot better. My throat wasn't so sore, my nose stopped running, and my cough had become a lot more subdue. Hooray, I might be able to go out this weekend! Well...that's dependent on how I feel tomorrow....
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I'm fighting a cold and losing the battle
This SUCKS!
I've got so many things to get done in a limited amount of time, and I'm sick as all get out! I can't seem to fight this cold that seems to forever rear its head. I really think I might be anemic or something. Every time I get sick, I get really really sick. And to make matters worse, I can catch colds so very easily from just about anyone at anytime. My immune system is failing me right now. What should I do? I've been drinking OJ, water, taking medicine (Lord knows I HATE taking medicine), I've even succumbed to using that nasty nasal spray that tastes like death as I squeeze the liquid into my nostril and the juices leave a bitter taste in my mouth. (I know that was a gross description) But hey, nothing seems to work.
Is it bad that part of the reason why I want to get better is so that I’ll be able to go out this weekend. Yes, I want to get better, but I don’t really care to spend yet another weekend in bed. There’s a lot going on b/c of UNC’s homecoming, and there are a couple of people I’m looking forward to seeing. So, hopefully I’ll be able to win this battle.
Oh, and I voted yesterday!!!! Hooray! But, it’s always amazing to see how few people around my age are out there voting too. I realize that a lot of older retirees tend to volunteer at the polls, but overall, the age group of voters tend to be a lot older than myself. Which brings me to another point….I don’t know how many of you reading this have a myspace account, but I found it interesting to see how many people posted bulletins and/or blogs about voting. YES, I’m all for educating and motivating other young people to vote. But I wonder how many people who posted those bulletins/ blogs actually voted themselves (or just jumped on the “vote or die” bandwagon and didn’t really do a damn thing…I mean, the truth is, we’ll never really know if they did or not). Better yet, I wonder how many people reading those postings actually took heed to the message and exercised their civic right. Anyways, just a few random thoughts….
Off to fight this battle…
I've got so many things to get done in a limited amount of time, and I'm sick as all get out! I can't seem to fight this cold that seems to forever rear its head. I really think I might be anemic or something. Every time I get sick, I get really really sick. And to make matters worse, I can catch colds so very easily from just about anyone at anytime. My immune system is failing me right now. What should I do? I've been drinking OJ, water, taking medicine (Lord knows I HATE taking medicine), I've even succumbed to using that nasty nasal spray that tastes like death as I squeeze the liquid into my nostril and the juices leave a bitter taste in my mouth. (I know that was a gross description) But hey, nothing seems to work.
Is it bad that part of the reason why I want to get better is so that I’ll be able to go out this weekend. Yes, I want to get better, but I don’t really care to spend yet another weekend in bed. There’s a lot going on b/c of UNC’s homecoming, and there are a couple of people I’m looking forward to seeing. So, hopefully I’ll be able to win this battle.
Oh, and I voted yesterday!!!! Hooray! But, it’s always amazing to see how few people around my age are out there voting too. I realize that a lot of older retirees tend to volunteer at the polls, but overall, the age group of voters tend to be a lot older than myself. Which brings me to another point….I don’t know how many of you reading this have a myspace account, but I found it interesting to see how many people posted bulletins and/or blogs about voting. YES, I’m all for educating and motivating other young people to vote. But I wonder how many people who posted those bulletins/ blogs actually voted themselves (or just jumped on the “vote or die” bandwagon and didn’t really do a damn thing…I mean, the truth is, we’ll never really know if they did or not). Better yet, I wonder how many people reading those postings actually took heed to the message and exercised their civic right. Anyways, just a few random thoughts….
Off to fight this battle…
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
I'm following after you Zaynah...
Well, I guess this'll be my first of many postings. I never really kept a journal as a child or really knew the best way to express how/ what I was thinking. From time to time I'd write letters to my friends, family members, boyfriends or crush... lol to express how I felt, but I've never really kept something continuous for myself. For those of you who know me, like know me know me, know that I think a lot. Or...I look like I always have something on my mind. So, instead of keeping all my random thoughts upstairs, I'll share them here with you. Like they say, better late than never. Please join me as I embark on this here journey we call............... "Iguehi's Destiny".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)